I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did
Though I’m guilty of uttering thoughtless words
You said I could tell you anything
The only time I am good at chatting involves coffee.
In the winter she tastes of too much caffeine, while goose bumps on her thighs are, “I love you” in braille, around my neck.
In spring, she is the honey she pours into her tea cup, and the warmth of lavender dripping down my throat.
Summer comes and hers is the suns warmth against my lips, with flavor refreshing as lemonade. Fresh fruit juices temp taste buds, as Ice cubes from her mason jar tease her about sensitivities.
Fall arrives and chai is the shelter she provides from the wind. Lips glossed, spiced and left wanting as she is my beverage, yet I taste her until she is satisfied.
Kiss me every morning when the sun starts to shine
As I clear the dream from my mind and the dust from my eyes
Remove every expectation and the whole world is mine
Let play underneath covers all day relax and unwind
What took you from me is the same thing that has done so before
Will it rain or will it drought we are forever unsure
We learned all the ways to reason and it left us impure
While we presume to chase the monsters who kill out allure
Should I destroy all the cloud and make the sky a different hue
If these things I could do it would be only for you
We will race around the sun and make the day start anew
We will do so just us two and we will start in a few
As time did tell, her glow had come and gone. Exalted above lovers, she became loved. What was the point? She would never know
Her name was snow falling from my lips. Beautiful, and bringing no warmth. Her touch is just the same; heat stealing and winter playful. Why the distance between us held no visible impact, was the highlight of our interactions. We play a game of who means less, while always wanted more from others.
What stole the light and left me dark
Her wordless voice upon my heart
We arch the arrow and pierce the veil
Upon written a name for all to hail
They though we knew we spoke no further
Which only aimed to stroke their ferver
Against the grain the stone refused
Leaving phrases to keep them all amused
While smiles retreat to smirks to manage
This love a thought to act as bandage
So say no words when forced to act
Glass promises may steer you off your track
So many thoughts urging me to complain when I have very few things to complain about. I have little control in this life, and what control I do have must be balanced by those with whom I share this world. I get this cringe in my chest as though my heart in going to cave in, then I realize that my life is only my life for a long as I have it. I attempt meditation when I’d rather be occupying my time surrounded by close friends and loved ones. Besides looking forward to a future which I do not seek, I am not sure what I alone, who is never alone, is suppose to be doing. How to let go, and remain spiritual together?
I could not stand her empty presence. She had a way about her which irked even herself. She relied upon her modesty, as a princess would, seeking to live in her homely disposition. She,”grew”, comfortable, she never, “became” comfortable. Nervously picking at her hair and nails until no eyes were upon her.
It was as though time would depict itself properly in her stay, causing me to take notice of the mousy silence. Am I here to fill the gap? If she would only gape and speak a word of life, maybe we would find common ground. Until that time comes, every inch of her flesh is merely added to my, ever abundant, sexual fantasies.
Was I to entertain her? An icebreaker is at the tip of my tongue, but I would rather I were licking her between her thighs. Such a simple, sweet, quite coming off of her, but she lacked any glint, or glimmer, of passion in her eyes. Sex is not always on someones mind.
I have never lived a fantasy of mine. Her essences it, yet another, which I will never bottle. She smirks in a way not so come hither, and grants no hint of interest. Did I miss my cue? Over thinking, I am over stimulating every cliche of spontaneous sexual encounters which my mind and muster, all this while avoiding looking in her direction.
She does not want me. I do not know this for sure, but I let myself down easily, always so self doubting. I cannot stand to be in the same room as this woman. I can nearly imagine the sound of her heart pumping about her rib cage. This, as I envision placing my mouth around her breast, is self deception. How dangerous is it to be so wanting of the touch of a woman. I attempt to disregard my yearning, knowing she will be on my mind when I touch myself. How many times have I ruined nonexistent opportunities?
If I could speak, I would tell her that her calming aura is frustratingly perfect, but my mouth and my mind will only allow me to write this down. Kind words, spoken behind someones back, why can I not practice what I preach? Any partner in crime would tell me to, simply, speak to her. I do not fear rejection, but I do not wish to waste her time or mine. I do not wish to know her but biblically. If I know her to well, I may have to decide whether I take pleasure in her sight and let love come on the wind, or if I would rather fuck her and throw her personality to the wolves.
How uncomfortable is it to be minding your own business, only to be hit on, and, occasionally, gawked at? How uncomfortable is it to be beautiful and quite? This game of eye contact and disinterest is heartbreaking. Melancholy takes a hold. Not for the lack of reciprocated longing, but for the fact of obsolete dreams. Do you know how lovely you are?
What was I trying to remember again? I keep forgetting, though they told me everything would come back to me when I started to stir. Oh, how much time has passed? Empty body meditation left me hollow and resonating with everything around me. I feel like I got a really good body buzz, but without smoking weed, and lacking the same drive towards talkativeness. Maybe I will add this to my daily meditations, but I would like to think of a self awareness without pause. Maybe I just need to seek zen while high. I could not express the state my mind was in, but I was left with a better idea of peace, though let to aim higher. How could I go any further while being a part of this system of guidance I currently live within? So, puzzling, when I was previously free of thought.
